It seems to me, that black women hang to bad relationships longer than other women. This is the impression I have, true or not. And I think that black women hang on longer because oppression in the form of racism provides more "reasons" for black men to behave badly in way it doesn't for black women.
It's also likely the black women also hang on longer because "eligible" black men SEEM rarer than hens teeth some days. In other words, some of us are, understandably, a little desperate for our love to work out with black men.
Again, all I used to hear from women in their 20s was "But I love him...." no matter how foul the behavior of their man was.
But the thing I heard later, the thing I heard from black women in their 30s and 40s as I got older was...
This view of men, this hatred of men, should be seen as the mental, emotional scar tissue that's created when women hang on too long.
And when the negative inserted in the blank IS a reality instead of stereotype, it seems like that it's a reality at least partially created out of false forgiveness given too cheaply.
So we have to admit something here.
Part of the reason for black women's wide-spread, long lasting, soul deep, disappointment with black men is due to other black women-- and not the ones they cheat with. Black mothers that hung on too long to men that betrayed them, did so while dragging their daughters and sons through it with them.
And that matters.
I don't want to victim blame. I really don't. But once you get past year one, year two, year three or four of a betrayal situation, the only true victim is the child you are dragging through it with you.
At some point, a woman has a responsibility to remove herself and her children from emotional harm --especially if there's no physical threat in doing so.
The racism, sexism or misgynoir is not your fault. You are not causing the racism or sexism. But the -ism IS your problem to fix by changing something drastically or leaving because you are the one suffering.
And if black women are doing most of the black child raising, then some changes need to be made in our collective behavior. We shouldn't see a video like "Lemonade" and nod our heads in agreement.
Maybe it's because I don't have children that I can remember my child's perspective better. I don't know. But it must be something. Because the thing that men and women in "troubled" (a.k.a. betrayal filled) relationships involving children have in common is their ability to tell me about what their children do NOT see, do NOT hear, and do NOT understand
-- when it's obvious the children are miserable regardless of what they understand in detail.
So it is not okay if your friend or sister or female cousin to think standing by her man as he dogs her is just her own personal business. Well maybe it is up to a point. But it's not just her affecting her. A woman deciding to let a man betray her, emotionally abuse her in a fashion, is breaking down black community one bad relationship at a time.
So be a better friend than just being a "yes woman" -- even if it costs you the friendship.
You can't tell people what to do. But you can decide not to blow sunshine up another woman's skirt, especially if the friend accepting betrayal has children that are watching her. Not standing by to be a silent witness to, an enabler of, betrayal is actually a choice about yourself that benefits black community.
Victims of abuse can be selfish as hell --and they can be selfish in the name of their children while hurting their children (see yesterday's post). That's why I've found myself in awe of mothers I've seen look in the mirror and say I need to stop this for myself and my child -- and before a decade has passed.
So when I watch "Lemonade" again, and I will because it's beautiful, I'm going to skip the wishful thinking at the end.
The ending may be a true reflection of real life for black women. But it's a reflection of something that IS NOT neutral but ugly and damaging instead.
Insta-forgiveness based on wishful thinking only looks pretty on the outside. And I think a larger and larger percentage of young black women are realizing this.
A larger and larger percentage of them are anti-marriage because they are not up for the same old, same old.
And until black women
and black men's attitudes
It's also likely the black women also hang on longer because "eligible" black men SEEM rarer than hens teeth some days. In other words, some of us are, understandably, a little desperate for our love to work out with black men.
Again, all I used to hear from women in their 20s was "But I love him...." no matter how foul the behavior of their man was.
But the thing I heard later, the thing I heard from black women in their 30s and 40s as I got older was...
"All black men are ___________"
-insert negative stereotype
or negative reality in the blank.
This view of men, this hatred of men, should be seen as the mental, emotional scar tissue that's created when women hang on too long.
And when the negative inserted in the blank IS a reality instead of stereotype, it seems like that it's a reality at least partially created out of false forgiveness given too cheaply.
So we have to admit something here.
Part of the reason for black women's wide-spread, long lasting, soul deep, disappointment with black men is due to other black women-- and not the ones they cheat with. Black mothers that hung on too long to men that betrayed them, did so while dragging their daughters and sons through it with them.
And that matters.
I don't want to victim blame. I really don't. But once you get past year one, year two, year three or four of a betrayal situation, the only true victim is the child you are dragging through it with you.
At some point, a woman has a responsibility to remove herself and her children from emotional harm --especially if there's no physical threat in doing so.
In some ways being a victim of emotional abuse is like being a victim of
racism, sexism, or misgynoir
The racism, sexism or misgynoir is not your fault. You are not causing the racism or sexism. But the -ism IS your problem to fix by changing something drastically or leaving because you are the one suffering.
And if black women are doing most of the black child raising, then some changes need to be made in our collective behavior. We shouldn't see a video like "Lemonade" and nod our heads in agreement.
Maybe it's because I don't have children that I can remember my child's perspective better. I don't know. But it must be something. Because the thing that men and women in "troubled" (a.k.a. betrayal filled) relationships involving children have in common is their ability to tell me about what their children do NOT see, do NOT hear, and do NOT understand
-- when it's obvious the children are miserable regardless of what they understand in detail.
So it is not okay if your friend or sister or female cousin to think standing by her man as he dogs her is just her own personal business. Well maybe it is up to a point. But it's not just her affecting her. A woman deciding to let a man betray her, emotionally abuse her in a fashion, is breaking down black community one bad relationship at a time.
So be a better friend than just being a "yes woman" -- even if it costs you the friendship.
You can't tell people what to do. But you can decide not to blow sunshine up another woman's skirt, especially if the friend accepting betrayal has children that are watching her. Not standing by to be a silent witness to, an enabler of, betrayal is actually a choice about yourself that benefits black community.
Victims of abuse can be selfish as hell --and they can be selfish in the name of their children while hurting their children (see yesterday's post). That's why I've found myself in awe of mothers I've seen look in the mirror and say I need to stop this for myself and my child -- and before a decade has passed.
So when I watch "Lemonade" again, and I will because it's beautiful, I'm going to skip the wishful thinking at the end.
The ending may be a true reflection of real life for black women. But it's a reflection of something that IS NOT neutral but ugly and damaging instead.
Insta-forgiveness based on wishful thinking only looks pretty on the outside. And I think a larger and larger percentage of young black women are realizing this.
A larger and larger percentage of them are anti-marriage because they are not up for the same old, same old.
And until black women
and black men's attitudes
toward the betrayal of women
is closer to that of
the betrayal of men,
I hope young black women
stick to their guns for future generations' sake.
More tomorrow on how very accurately women's cheating is seen as "betrayal" but via a truly ugly path
More tomorrow on how very accurately women's cheating is seen as "betrayal" but via a truly ugly path
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