INSTA-FORGIVENESS, EMOTIONAL SCAR TISSUE, AND HATRED

It seems to me, that black women hang to bad relationships longer than other women. This is the impression I have, true or not. And I think that black women hang on longer because oppression in the form of racism provides more "reasons" for black men to behave badly in way it doesn't for black women.


It's also likely the black women also hang on longer because "eligible" black men SEEM rarer than hens teeth some days. In other words, some of us are, understandably, a little desperate for our love to work out with black men.


Again, all I used to hear from women in their 20s was "But I love him...." no matter how foul the behavior of their man was.

But the thing I heard later, the thing I heard from black women in their 30s and 40s as I got older was...

"All black men are ___________"

-insert negative stereotype 

or negative reality in the blank. 

This view of men, this hatred of men, should be seen as the mental, emotional scar tissue that's created when women hang on too long.

And  when the negative inserted in the blank IS a reality instead of stereotype, it seems like that it's a reality at least partially created out of false forgiveness given too cheaply.


So we have to admit something here.


Part of the reason for black women's wide-spread, long lasting, soul deep, disappointment with black men is due to other black women-- and not the ones they cheat with.  Black mothers that hung on too long to men that betrayed them, did so while dragging their daughters and sons through it with them.

And that matters.


I don't want to victim blame. I really don't. But once you get past year one, year two, year three or four of a betrayal situation, the only true victim is the child you are dragging through it with you.


At some point, a woman has a responsibility to remove herself and her children from emotional harm --especially if there's no physical threat in doing so.

In some ways being a victim of emotional abuse is like being a victim of 

racism,  sexism, or misgynoir

The racism, sexism or misgynoir is not your fault. You are not causing the racism or sexism. But the -ism IS your problem to fix by changing something drastically or leaving because you are the one suffering.

And if black women are doing most of the black child raising, then some changes need to be made in our collective behavior. We shouldn't see a video like "Lemonade" and nod our heads in agreement.  

Maybe it's because I don't have children that I can remember my child's perspective better. I don't know. But it must be something. Because the thing that men and women in "troubled" (a.k.a. betrayal filled) relationships involving children have in common is their ability to tell me about what their children do NOT see, do NOT hear, and do NOT understand

 -- when it's obvious the children are miserable regardless of what they understand in detail.


So it is not okay if your friend or sister or female cousin to think standing by her man as he dogs her is just her own personal business. Well maybe it is up to a point. But it's not just her affecting her. A woman deciding to let a man betray her, emotionally abuse her in a fashion, is breaking down black community one bad relationship at a time.


So be a better friend than just being a "yes woman" -- even if it costs you the friendship.



You can't tell people what to do. But you can decide not to blow sunshine up another woman's skirt, especially if the friend accepting betrayal has children that are watching her. Not standing by to be a silent witness to, an enabler of, betrayal is actually a choice about yourself that benefits black community.



Victims of abuse can be selfish as hell --and they can be selfish in the name of their children while hurting their children (see yesterday's post). That's why I've found myself in awe of mothers I've seen look in the mirror and say I need to stop this for myself and my child -- and before a decade has passed.


So when I watch "Lemonade" again, and I will because it's beautiful, I'm going to skip the wishful thinking at the end.

The ending may be a true reflection of real life for black women. But it's a reflection of something that IS NOT neutral but ugly and damaging instead.
 

Insta-forgiveness based on wishful thinking only looks pretty on the outside. And I think a larger and larger percentage of young black women are realizing this.

A larger and larger percentage of them are anti-marriage because they are not up for the same old, same old.

And until black women
and black men's attitudes  

toward the betrayal of women 

is closer to that of 

the betrayal of men, 

I hope young black women 

stick to their guns for future generations' sake.

More tomorrow on how very accurately women's cheating is seen as "betrayal" but via a truly ugly path

 

LOVE AND INFIDELITY VIEWS: BEYONCE VS MICHELLE

There are black men (and men of all colors) worth marrying But most of the non-feminist minded? They probably aren't.

Some young black women feminists are willing to marry.  I find a lot of them want to marry They want love, romance, and sex and love twisted round one another as much as the next woman and are willing to work at it. But they are not going to give up their integrity to get it from a man who hasn't proven he is capable or not "betraying" her at the drop of a hat.

Yet there are still young black women like Beyonce singing the song they learned from mother about pain, pain, pain, pain, and then one side pseudo-insta-forgiveness -- that only works 2 out of 10 times, once he's too old to get it up anymore.

It seems to me, Michelle Obama is a much, much, much better role model for young black women than Beyonce.  I find it hard to believe she'd ever let Barack Obama put her in this position once, much less multiple times.

It seems to me Michelle's mother must have told her to be careful about every single person you allow in your life (as indicated by the quote below)

 

Rumor has it, Jay Z was a ho from the word go before he married Beyonce. And even though she was only 19 or so when they met, I'm thinking Michelle's mother would have pointed out Jay Z's behavior to a 19 year old Michelle and said, "He is not going to be able to quit that using women like kleenex to wipe his Johnson cold turkey, dear. Do not bring people in your life who are likely to way you down..."

Michelle Obama's mother almost certainly said something similar to what Michelle Obama reportedly said herself. And I think it's safe to assume Michelle Obama has told Malia and Sasha the very same thing.

If I ever give a young black girl a copy of "Lemonade" so she can revel in rare and beautiful images of black womanhood, I will cut off the last few minutes or dub over it. Because I will not allow pseudo-insta-forgiveness as route to misery be passed on as an ideal or as something that is inevitable for black women.

I refuse.

More tomorrow

DADDY'S INFIDELITY AND BIRTHING LEMONADE LOW EXPECTATIONS

It's hard to take your remaining sane parent out of the "sainthood" box. It's hard to realize that you can love your mother, respect her for making a hard and scary choice, and admire her for EVENTUALLY making a good choice for herself and for you, and still realize she screwed up for a long period of time

**if she stayed with someone
who was betraying her for a period of 10 to 15 years** UNLESS
she had no other financial choice
or she was afraid he'd kill her.

If leaving a betrayer "only" seemed
like an impossible emotional choice for 15 years,
then a mother screwed up.

And we can say a mother who cannot choose
self-worth and self-respect messed up bad 
because she also likely 
f***ed her daughters and sons up too.  .

One woman can do great phenomenal things and heinously stupid things all in one lifetime and that includes our mothers.

Some of the scar tissue she helped lay on you between 0 and 18 will last until you're 80 or death.

It'll be a son or daughters responsibility to  start recovering from those wounds once that person hits 18 in our society But any mother worth her salt will FEEL responsible for her children's adult scar tissue.

At least that's how the mother-friends in my life roll.

But when one refuses to see the good, the bad, and the ugly, in our mothers when they are the one victimized, how do we refuse to move forward into the same victimization?

If mother cheated on
is heroic in her insta-forgiveness, 
sans anything but wishing,
aren't we
the girl children
forced to assume that mother stayed
because 
"boys will be boys" is legitimate, 
the insta-forgiveness is real,
a black woman's lot in life is
to be long suffering.

I don't want that to be the final message of "Lemonade" when there are so many rare and beautiful images and words reflecting off the skin of black women. But what else can the message of Lemonade be when forgiveness is offered on nothing more than a woman's wishing. Again, the man is not fully there, is not speaking, is not anything except an object. 

In the 21st century we want control so we want everything to be about "me" and "what I do" as if others cannot damage us. But it's not true.

When forgiveness is forced to be linear because the forgiver finds that the offender doesn't want to be forgiven or stop their behavior, that is a painful thing that breaks relationship ...

AS
IT
SHOULD

Forgiveness is about restoring relationship.  So it is a sad thing when the other doesn't want to be forgiven. 

Said a different way,
forgiveness cannot be 
all about the forgiver 
unless 
the forgiven one
is going away,
is leaving the relationship. 

Linear forgiveness involves, at least temporarily, giving up on relationship with the forgiven one because forgiven one
-doesn't want to make amends,
-doesn't want to ensure betrayal won't happen again, 
-doesn't want to be forgiven, 
-and doesn't care if the forgiver 
feels safe and worthy of respect. 

The circle of forgiveness 
requires two people.

Therefore a video that' REALLY supposed to be about love and forgiveness cannot be independent of the desires of the one being forgiven. 

This means, as beautiful as Lemonade was-- up until the end-- I need a freaking sequel that shows something other than pretzeling of black female self and wishing on a beautiful picture of family.

My mother did that her whole life. 

She took mental snap shots of intermittent wholesome family behavior-- even when those scenes were months or years apart-- and used them to tell herself our family was "good."  She took mental photos then  mentally held them up in front of reality, blocking reality out, whenever things got ugly-- and they got ugly a lot.  And she refused take any mental photos of the ugly days -- which means she doesn't remember sh**.

Years ago, I had a woman friend (quasi-rich and white) tell me that she was staying with a physically abusive husband because her daughter needs a father-- like she didn't have.  

I tried to tell her a hundred different ways, without banging over the head, without being as direct as I would be now -- "Are  you going to be surprised when she marries a man like Daddy? Are you going to be surprised when he hurts her while she's pregnant, hurts her bad enough to make her bleed during her pregnancy just like Daddy did to you?"

I've heard "But I love him..." from 20 something year old women so many times, I've lost count. And I've heard it from women of all shades no matter how the jack@$$ in question was abusing and/or betraying them.

But today's black women are a little smarter.


Many put young black girls down. But young black feminists and other young black women --who don't realize how strong their feminist leanings are-- reach the age of 16, 17, and 18 and realize they want family, they want a baby but not the jerk that comes with the baby.

They see what is acceptable under the ruse that is "boys will be boys" and they want no part of it.

Young black girls are realizing they want to create family but have no intention of going through the crap Beyonce has gone through. They have no intention of minimizing "betrayals" into small mistakes that ONLY A MAN can make over and over again.

A lot of young black women are looking sisters. female cousins, mothers and aunts who write dissertations and shoot entire video albums on how to be forgiving

***while observing that***

men write damn near nothing about how to be forgiven 

Young black women have started thinking a bit more logically. They've start thinking, "Oh hell no, not me." A lot of young black women are looking at black men thinking

"sex = yes," 

"baby = yes" 

"permanent relationship with the man = unlikely" 

....so why get married and then 

have to pay a divorce attorney to be rid of him.   

A lot of young black women are starting to think that men who believe that "infidelity" is not as big as "ultimate betrayal" are not worth marrying.

And these young black women are right for the most part.


More tomorrow

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The War On Men Through The Degradation Of Women

FROM SINUOUS MAGAZINE, THE COMPLEX

When the press attacked her girl child or being free, Ms. Jada Pinkett Smith took some time out to tell us all how much more uplifted the men in any culture could be if they only invested in themselves by investing in their women.  

"How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eye’s of an incomplete woman? The woman who has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and full breast for physical comfort only.

The woman who has been silenced so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom shoes.

I am sure the men, who restructured our societies from cultures that honored woman, had no idea of the outcome. They had no idea that eventually, even men would render themselves empty and longing for meaning, depth and connection.

There is a deep sadness when I witness a man that can’t recognize the emptiness he feels when he objectifies himself as a bank and truly believes he can buy love with things and status. It is painful to witness the betrayal when a woman takes him up on that offer. He doesn’t recognize that the [creation] of a half woman has contributed to his repressed anger and frustration of feeling he is not enough. He then may love no woman or keep many half women as his prize.

He doesn’t recognize that it’s his submersion in the imbalanced warrior culture, where violence is the means of getting respect and power, as the reason he can break the face of the woman who bore him four children.

When woman is lost, so is man. The truth is, woman is the window to a man’s heart and a man’s heart is the gateway to his soul.

Power and control will NEVER out weigh love.

May we all find our way.
J

Different but equal. This is a concept that's recognized in regards to race. And it should be just as easy to recognize in regards to gender.




~ Jada Pinkett-Smith, Sinuous Magazine http://www.sinuousmag.com/2012/12/jada-pinket-smith-war-on-men/