Wednesday, April 29, 2015

bcuz i didn't love myself - Saddi Khali

there is so much i've blamed on my ex's that was really on me. there r so many times i held them responsible 4

my fatalistic approach,
my fear-based dismantling,
my lack of trust,
my unromantic engagement,
my constant-warrior stance,
my dismissive nature,
my hyper-critical gaze,
my maintaining an escape hatch,
my failure 2 communicate &
my seeking defeat,
bcuz its all i believed was available 2 me.

i created beautiful love fantasies
i held up against them,
while putting no energy or effort
into making them real.

i manufactured martyrdom.
i didn't recognize that i came bearing cancer &
smeared it all over everything i did w/ them.

i didn't realize i had no expectations of success w/ them &
was just tryna lose on top.
i didn't understand that
i had already destroyed those relationships from the start.
& even what i thought i knew,
i had no idea of how great
the degree of destructive impact
bcuz i didn't love myself.

its a fascinating thing

2 really open my eyes & see myself,

2 see that i set my life up on a premise of pain,

2 see that fear guided me away from loving in any healthy way,

2 see that i sold dreams
built on a foundation of self-abuse.
these ridiculous tendencies have begun
2 reveal themselves bcuz they've begun 2 leave.

4 the 1st time, i'm meeting people & not looking 4 every reason it won't work.

4 the 1st time, i'm seeing things 2 address or compromise on, insteada things i don't like.

4 the 1st time, i'm not immediately holding up a list of deal-breakers, insteada relaxing & not making everyone the future mother of my kids (or nah) in the 1st 10minutes of knowing them.

4 the 1st time, i'm really coming 2 the table w/ all the great things i bring, insteada all of the things i think i lack.
.
i'm reserving my need 2 tell folks i meet whats wrong w/ them & instead,
.
i'm listening 2 them, then sharing the things i'm working on in me.
.
i'm remembering how much i enjoy being sweet & just how beautiful romance feels.
.
i'm remembering i am so much more than my fear & when i overwhelm my fear w/ the rest of me, i end up conquering the fear & putting something great in its place.

i'm feeling good, knowing that even my previous wackness had a reason & a purpose, knowing that i can get rid of the tendencies that don't serve me, knowing that even as i improve, the best of me is yet 2 come.





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