bcuz i didn't love myself - Saddi Khali

there is so much i've blamed on my ex's that was really on me. there r so many times i held them responsible 4

my fatalistic approach,
my fear-based dismantling,
my lack of trust,
my unromantic engagement,
my constant-warrior stance,
my dismissive nature,
my hyper-critical gaze,
my maintaining an escape hatch,
my failure 2 communicate &
my seeking defeat,
bcuz its all i believed was available 2 me.

i created beautiful love fantasies
i held up against them,
while putting no energy or effort
into making them real.

i manufactured martyrdom.
i didn't recognize that i came bearing cancer &
smeared it all over everything i did w/ them.

i didn't realize i had no expectations of success w/ them &
was just tryna lose on top.
i didn't understand that
i had already destroyed those relationships from the start.
& even what i thought i knew,
i had no idea of how great
the degree of destructive impact
bcuz i didn't love myself.

its a fascinating thing

2 really open my eyes & see myself,

2 see that i set my life up on a premise of pain,

2 see that fear guided me away from loving in any healthy way,

2 see that i sold dreams
built on a foundation of self-abuse.
these ridiculous tendencies have begun
2 reveal themselves bcuz they've begun 2 leave.

4 the 1st time, i'm meeting people & not looking 4 every reason it won't work.

4 the 1st time, i'm seeing things 2 address or compromise on, insteada things i don't like.

4 the 1st time, i'm not immediately holding up a list of deal-breakers, insteada relaxing & not making everyone the future mother of my kids (or nah) in the 1st 10minutes of knowing them.

4 the 1st time, i'm really coming 2 the table w/ all the great things i bring, insteada all of the things i think i lack.
.
i'm reserving my need 2 tell folks i meet whats wrong w/ them & instead,
.
i'm listening 2 them, then sharing the things i'm working on in me.
.
i'm remembering how much i enjoy being sweet & just how beautiful romance feels.
.
i'm remembering i am so much more than my fear & when i overwhelm my fear w/ the rest of me, i end up conquering the fear & putting something great in its place.

i'm feeling good, knowing that even my previous wackness had a reason & a purpose, knowing that i can get rid of the tendencies that don't serve me, knowing that even as i improve, the best of me is yet 2 come.





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THE ARK OF RETURN U.N. SCULPTURE TRIBUTE TO TRANSATLANTIC SLAVE TRADE

"It was only fitting that the ceremony take place at a site surrounded by the looming skyscrapers of New York. Slavery was the economic engine upon which American capitalism was built, providing the seed money for United States businesses to create the most vibrant economic system in the world."



from ATLANTA BLACK STAR

"The enslaved Black person (whose gender is purposely vague to represent men, women and children) lying inside the dramatically shaped marble memorial, which is called The Ark of Return, is a symbol of the millions whose deaths led to the building of those skyscrapers, the visual emblems of American capitalism’s enormous financial windfall for the white beneficiaries of slavery and their descendants.





During his speech unveiling the memorial, Ban Ki-moon spoke directly to Black people in the Americas and the Caribbean who are descended from the enslaved Black people who were sacrificed.



“I hope descendants of the transatlantic slave trade will feel empowered as they remember those who overcame this brutal system and passed their rich cultural heritage from Africa on to their children,” Ban said.



In his remarks, he singled out Black women in particular, noting that a third of those Black people who were sold as slaves from Africa were female.



“In addition to enduring the harsh conditions of forced labor as slaves, they experienced extreme forms of discrimination and exploitation as a result of their gender,” he said.




http://atlantablackstar.com/2015/03/26/united-nations-unveils-stunning-memorial-in-new-york-to-millions-who-died-and/





CLICK HERE TO TAKE A LOOK INSIDE and HEAR THE INSPIRATION FOR THE INTERACTIVE PIECE from ARTIST RODNEY LEON

YELLOW FEVER by Ng'endo Mukii

Using a combination of actors, animation, spoken word, and dance, Kenyan filmmaker Ng’endo Mukii examines the effects of having Eurocentric beauty ideals wash over you constantly from mainstream media sources such as movies, television, and magazines.



As rough as the colorism issue gets here in the United States, I don't think we have up to 65% to 70% of black women using skin bleaching products --percentages I've heard of in one African Country and a couple of Asian countries.


The film was a London Art College project. Only 7 minutes. Give it 2 or 3 minutes and see if you don't watch the whole thing.







CLICK HERE TO WATCH FILM AT OKAY AFRICA


Click Here for an alternate location to watch film - SHADOW AND ACT