“Individuals who want to believe that there is no fulfillment in love, that true love does not exist, cling to these assumptions because this despair is actually easier to face than the reality that love is a real fact of life but is absent from their lives.”
― bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions
there is so much i've blamed on my ex's that was really on me. there r so many times i held them responsible 4
my fatalistic approach,
my fear-based dismantling,
my lack of trust,
my unromantic engagement,
my constant-warrior stance,
my dismissive nature,
my hyper-critical gaze,
my maintaining an escape hatch,
my failure 2 communicate &
my seeking defeat,
bcuz its all i believed was available 2 me.
i created beautiful love fantasies
i held up against them,
while putting no energy or effort
into making them real.
i manufactured martyrdom.
i didn't recognize that i came bearing cancer &
smeared it all over everything i did w/ them.
i didn't realize i had no expectations of success w/ them &
was just tryna lose on top.
i didn't understand that
i had already destroyed those relationships from the start.
& even what i thought i knew,
i had no idea of how great
the degree of destructive impact
bcuz i didn't love myself.
its a fascinating thing
2 really open my eyes & see myself,
2 see that i set my life up on a premise of pain,
2 see that fear guided me away from loving in any healthy way,
2 see that i sold dreams
built on a foundation of self-abuse.
these ridiculous tendencies have begun
2 reveal themselves bcuz they've begun 2 leave.
4 the 1st time, i'm meeting people & not looking 4 every reason it won't work.
4 the 1st time, i'm seeing things 2 address or compromise on, insteada things i don't like.
4 the 1st time, i'm not immediately holding up a list of deal-breakers, insteada relaxing & not making everyone the future mother of my kids (or nah) in the 1st 10minutes of knowing them.
4 the 1st time, i'm really coming 2 the table w/ all the great things i bring, insteada all of the things i think i lack.
.
i'm reserving my need 2 tell folks i meet whats wrong w/ them & instead,
.
i'm listening 2 them, then sharing the things i'm working on in me.
.
i'm remembering how much i enjoy being sweet & just how beautiful romance feels.
.
i'm remembering i am so much more than my fear & when i overwhelm my fear w/ the rest of me, i end up conquering the fear & putting something great in its place.
i'm feeling good, knowing that even my previous wackness had a reason & a purpose, knowing that i can get rid of the tendencies that don't serve me, knowing that even as i improve, the best of me is yet 2 come.
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